You
I shouldn't be writing about you.But now, I am. I am writing about how I felt when your arm accidentally brushed on mine several times. I am writing about how it felt good, if not special, and I am writing about how much I hate it.
I hate it because the more I try to run away and hide from you, you get closer. I know you don't have any intentions, but you get closer and do these things to make me feel special. Not in romantic way, but yes, the things you do makes me feel special as a person.
And as much as I am thankful for your being a gentleman, I still hate it.
Because I fall for you even more. And I am not supposed to, anymore.
I may not tell this to anyone, but I would like you to know that despite everything, despite the times that I hated how nice you are, I want you to know that I will always be here to back you up. I mean, it's my job.
No, not just it's because it's my job. It's because that you will always be special. Your name will always ring a bell inside my head. Your smile will always be one of the hundred reasons why I also smile. And I'm glad that even though we could never work out, you're still there.
So close, and yet so far.
But I think it's better that way.
Perhaps I will always keep writing about you. Maybe not in the same ways, but I will always be writing about you.
不求回报
I can never forget how you saved that night —I didn’t
want to go home yet because I don’t know how the hell I am going to do that,
but you took me home.
You were just a few inches away from me. To be honest, it was so
hard for me to breathe in your scent, because I don’t want it to linger and
stick in my mind. I don’t want to get used to it.
I don’t want to get so used to it as I am so used to seeing your
smile, your wave, your eyes, and the way you just see right through me, pass by
me and walk towards the girl of your dreams — which doesn’t happen to be me.
Maybe, as much as I have no words on how to describe your
beautiful smile, I will never have words on how to define how I feel towards
you. I am pretty much sure that I’ve been attracted to you for so long, but I
am never sure if I have already fallen for you.
Maybe, I have already fallen for you.
But when the dawn comes and I happen to be awake, thoughts of you
suddenly pierce through my mind like a sharp dagger — so beautiful, so good to
look at and to dream of, but at the end of the day, will slowly try to kill me.
That’s when I know that I’ve fallen for you, and then eventually,
I’d tell myself, “No. You have to get back up. It’s not healthy for you.”
My dear, I can’t believe
how much fatal a smile could get until I met you.
The reason why I never told you about my feelings is that I know
it’ll be better off that way. You’ve got a bunch of ladies wanting to toss
rocks at your window, waiting for you to notice them. But I wouldn’t be
throwing rocks on your window, though.
I never tossed rocks on someone else’s window. I just wait for
someone who would open up a window exclusively for me.
And as much as I’d want you to do it, I know you never will.
Hush-hush
I was never a fan of unrequited feelings.
It was during the first grade when I had my very first crush. Just like any other first crushes, it feels great. It was innocent; it was blissful — more blissful when I realized that he was attracted to me as well.
It was like that ever since. I had a lot of infatuations in the past, and most of them happened to return the feelings as well. Or, when someone shows interest in me, there is always this 60% possibility of liking him back, especially when he is my type. That was the case of my very first (ex) boyfriend.
And since I was (almost) never rejected, I didn’t know how it feels like to have an unrequited love.
Then this man happened.
He was one of those cute guys in the sixth grade when I was in, second grade, I think? He is the type of guy that you’ll always love to look at because he looks fresh, smiles fresh and talks fresh.
Yes, he’s always that fresh. (What am I even saying?)
And then he was gone. He transferred schools, I think? Time passed by, and we, the girls who’s always afar admiring him, forgot about him. However, I remained in contact with his sibling, which happened to be one of my closest friends.
Thank Heavens for technology, because I retraced all my connections via Facebook when I was in highschool. That was when I reconnected (somehow) with his sibling. I have been seeing him all over the profile of his sibling, but I did not bother adding him because he did not know me anyway, and maybe I was just so preoccupied with all of the things that were bothering me. You know high school, right?
Fast forward to the first time — since nine or ten years — that I saw this man again.
He has changed. No, maybe I did not know him well before, because I only knew him by his sibling. But now, he has aged. He has become a young man of integrity who is warm to everyone. He has grown to be the man of any girl’s dreams — the one that you can bring home to your mama and papa. His smile is still as fresh, only more mature.
And now, he recognizes me.
It turned out that he had known me before, of course through his sibling. It’s just that he was a snob before, and did not acknowledge my presence because I was just a little girl, then.
And just all those kilig vibes from second grade was back. Our worlds have become smaller. Everytime he appears, it just get more… I don’t know. Intense?
And between those hello’s and hi-fives, I know, I just know, that I should not let myself fall because he is never going to catch me.
He’s never ready to catch anyone yet. All those girls who are falling and trying to get his attention, he had decided not to catch any of them. Not even one.
And the worst thing is, I know I’m falling fast. He sees me and I see him, but he is unaware of these things that I am hiding.
I may be good at concealing these feelings, but I do believe that the more effort you waste to hide it, the more tendencies it has to show.
And you know it’s getting worse when he starts appearing in your dreams. @#$%^&*!
So this is how it feels to like someone you shouldn’t like, but you can’t help but like them anyway, because they’re too likeable.
This is how it feels, when half of you hope for him not to notice you because it just reminds you of how painful it is to like him, but half of you wish for his attention.
This is how it feels to assume that the things he are doing to you are only for you, and in the end you just get hurt because you realize that these things have no meaning at all. Assumera ka lang.
This is how it feels to have something so close and yet so far.
Now I know why when I ask people how does it feel to have an unrequited love, they couldn’t explain it — because you can never truly understand how hard it is until you’re in their shoes.
