Hush-hush
I was never a fan of unrequited feelings.
It was during the first grade when I had my very first crush. Just like any other first crushes, it feels great. It was innocent; it was blissful — more blissful when I realized that he was attracted to me as well.
It was like that ever since. I had a lot of infatuations in the past, and most of them happened to return the feelings as well. Or, when someone shows interest in me, there is always this 60% possibility of liking him back, especially when he is my type. That was the case of my very first (ex) boyfriend.
And since I was (almost) never rejected, I didn’t know how it feels like to have an unrequited love.
Then this man happened.
He was one of those cute guys in the sixth grade when I was in, second grade, I think? He is the type of guy that you’ll always love to look at because he looks fresh, smiles fresh and talks fresh.
Yes, he’s always that fresh. (What am I even saying?)
And then he was gone. He transferred schools, I think? Time passed by, and we, the girls who’s always afar admiring him, forgot about him. However, I remained in contact with his sibling, which happened to be one of my closest friends.
Thank Heavens for technology, because I retraced all my connections via Facebook when I was in highschool. That was when I reconnected (somehow) with his sibling. I have been seeing him all over the profile of his sibling, but I did not bother adding him because he did not know me anyway, and maybe I was just so preoccupied with all of the things that were bothering me. You know high school, right?
Fast forward to the first time — since nine or ten years — that I saw this man again.
He has changed. No, maybe I did not know him well before, because I only knew him by his sibling. But now, he has aged. He has become a young man of integrity who is warm to everyone. He has grown to be the man of any girl’s dreams — the one that you can bring home to your mama and papa. His smile is still as fresh, only more mature.
And now, he recognizes me.
It turned out that he had known me before, of course through his sibling. It’s just that he was a snob before, and did not acknowledge my presence because I was just a little girl, then.
And just all those kilig vibes from second grade was back. Our worlds have become smaller. Everytime he appears, it just get more… I don’t know. Intense?
And between those hello’s and hi-fives, I know, I just know, that I should not let myself fall because he is never going to catch me.
He’s never ready to catch anyone yet. All those girls who are falling and trying to get his attention, he had decided not to catch any of them. Not even one.
And the worst thing is, I know I’m falling fast. He sees me and I see him, but he is unaware of these things that I am hiding.
I may be good at concealing these feelings, but I do believe that the more effort you waste to hide it, the more tendencies it has to show.
And you know it’s getting worse when he starts appearing in your dreams. @#$%^&*!
So this is how it feels to like someone you shouldn’t like, but you can’t help but like them anyway, because they’re too likeable.
This is how it feels, when half of you hope for him not to notice you because it just reminds you of how painful it is to like him, but half of you wish for his attention.
This is how it feels to assume that the things he are doing to you are only for you, and in the end you just get hurt because you realize that these things have no meaning at all. Assumera ka lang.
This is how it feels to have something so close and yet so far.
Now I know why when I ask people how does it feel to have an unrequited love, they couldn’t explain it — because you can never truly understand how hard it is until you’re in their shoes.
