Impasse
I have been planning to do this for weeks. Tonight, I was about to abandon the thought of finally doing this because I cannot figure out the right words to express my sentiments.I have liked a whole bunch of guys in my entire life, but never like you. I have experienced those sleepless nights finding the exact song to dedicate to these teensy crushes, but not like this one that I have felt towards you. You're not like the typical one that I come across with in the halls or corridors anymore. We work together, and each time, you turn to me everytime you need backup. So no matter how big my efforts are just to unlike you, to not to smile at your jokes and not to get lost in your eyes everytime you look at me, I can't help it in the end. And it's insane.
Often times, I catch you looking at me and then you would look away. I never knew why, but I don't think I would ever want to know. Little did you know how loud I scream your name on the inside as I appear silent on the outside. I know you also have a lot of things to say. Me, as well. But these unspoken things will never leave our lips. This is how we are right now, and this is how we are going to be.
I never told you how exactly I felt about you, did I? And right now, I am writing down my unspoken thoughts knowing deep down inside of me that you will never have the chance to read and know, because I will never show you. I am okay with this set-up: stuck in an impasse.
And as I pen my thoughts tonight, I asked myself, is there really a possibility of us? But I have come to realize that maybe, you were meant to be out of ym reach. Maybe, you were never meant to be the brightest star in my galaxy.
Maybe you are just supposed to be a really bright star on a separate corner, making my universe a bit brighter.
Labels: CJEC, letters, Personal
You
I shouldn't be writing about you.But now, I am. I am writing about how I felt when your arm accidentally brushed on mine several times. I am writing about how it felt good, if not special, and I am writing about how much I hate it.
I hate it because the more I try to run away and hide from you, you get closer. I know you don't have any intentions, but you get closer and do these things to make me feel special. Not in romantic way, but yes, the things you do makes me feel special as a person.
And as much as I am thankful for your being a gentleman, I still hate it.
Because I fall for you even more. And I am not supposed to, anymore.
I may not tell this to anyone, but I would like you to know that despite everything, despite the times that I hated how nice you are, I want you to know that I will always be here to back you up. I mean, it's my job.
No, not just it's because it's my job. It's because that you will always be special. Your name will always ring a bell inside my head. Your smile will always be one of the hundred reasons why I also smile. And I'm glad that even though we could never work out, you're still there.
So close, and yet so far.
But I think it's better that way.
Perhaps I will always keep writing about you. Maybe not in the same ways, but I will always be writing about you.
不求回报
I can never forget how you saved that night —I didn’t
want to go home yet because I don’t know how the hell I am going to do that,
but you took me home.
You were just a few inches away from me. To be honest, it was so
hard for me to breathe in your scent, because I don’t want it to linger and
stick in my mind. I don’t want to get used to it.
I don’t want to get so used to it as I am so used to seeing your
smile, your wave, your eyes, and the way you just see right through me, pass by
me and walk towards the girl of your dreams — which doesn’t happen to be me.
Maybe, as much as I have no words on how to describe your
beautiful smile, I will never have words on how to define how I feel towards
you. I am pretty much sure that I’ve been attracted to you for so long, but I
am never sure if I have already fallen for you.
Maybe, I have already fallen for you.
But when the dawn comes and I happen to be awake, thoughts of you
suddenly pierce through my mind like a sharp dagger — so beautiful, so good to
look at and to dream of, but at the end of the day, will slowly try to kill me.
That’s when I know that I’ve fallen for you, and then eventually,
I’d tell myself, “No. You have to get back up. It’s not healthy for you.”
My dear, I can’t believe
how much fatal a smile could get until I met you.
The reason why I never told you about my feelings is that I know
it’ll be better off that way. You’ve got a bunch of ladies wanting to toss
rocks at your window, waiting for you to notice them. But I wouldn’t be
throwing rocks on your window, though.
I never tossed rocks on someone else’s window. I just wait for
someone who would open up a window exclusively for me.
And as much as I’d want you to do it, I know you never will.
1175 (If Only)
I have been told that you're difficult.To be honest, I don't know what they actually mean by "difficult." As I watch your life in pictures, I find it hard to believe that with those gentle eyes and inviting smile, is someone who might be hard to deal with.
According to them, it is primarily the reason why girls find it hard to stay with you.
They did not see that you were just striving for perfection so hard in order to provide happiness to your mother. They just pointed out the bad things. And because of this, I want to believe that you are just misunderstood -- that you are not difficult -- since somehow, I find myself in you. I scowl, I frown and become so unhappy at times, just like you. But little did they know how childish I am -- we are, actually -- when we get to comfortable around people.
And maybe that is our problem. We tend to get too comfortable around people and give them our trust quickly, that's why it hurts a lot when they disappoint us.
And that is why we hold back. When we hold back and isolate ourselves, they would think that we are "difficult."
How I wish that you would be just near -- I mean, you don't even know me, but I am pretty much sure that if you do, then you would be having someone who understands how you feel. Because let me tell you this, it is hard to have no one near you who completely feels the same way. It feels sad.
And I don't want you to feel sad.
You make people happy. You make me happy. You don't know how many people crave to see your smile everyday just for them to be happy. If I have my way, I'd go there and show you how much you have to be appreciated and understood.
If only fate could just give me a chance to be with you. If only.
The last letter
To the one who was once the dearest, but never was and will be forgotten,
I heard a song today while I was on my way home. It's not just a song, it's our song. Yes, the one that we used to sing to a couple of years ago.
I wrote to you just to say that I have already let go. The hatred, the sadness and all of the remorse, I have let them all go.
However, I haven't forget you. There are still times, like right now at 3:44AM on a Monday, that I remember you. It is not my intention for that to happen, but sometimes memories of you just pop up out of nowhere, and I couldn't help but smile.
Don't get me wrong. I know I've told you that I have let go. I did. You know I did. I wouldn't be very happy with what and whom I am with now if I didn't. But I only let go of the painful things. Our memories? I can never erase it. I couldn't help but smile, because apart from all of the hurtful things we have done to each other, these memories, positive memories of you are the ones that I don't regret. And never will I regret.
You have become a huge part of me. So huge that I have chosen to treasure and learn from our memories when we were still together. In those years after we parted ways, once in a while, I get flashbacks. The songs, the flowers, the guitar chords, the petrichor of the rain, and other random things that I previously associate you with. But since then, everytime I get those things, I realize, it doesn't feel the same way anymore. My chest doesn't hurt, and I don't blink by the sound of your name any longer. Maybe, this was it.
Maybe, I finally got the closure that I wanted— the one that you never gave me a couple of years ago, and the one that was supposed to let us be friends again. I know that when our paths cross once again, we can finally look into each other's eyes and greet each other hello. It has come, at last, despite its somehow late arrival. Better late than never.
After all, if it weren't for you letting me go, I wouldn't figure out how to love myself more, which eventually led me to the one who deserves the best of me, for seeing the worst that I have gone through back then. Besides, you have foreseen his identity before, right?
Wherever you are, I wish you the best. You deserve to be happy, and you deserved to be loved. Remember that.
See you whenever,
F.
