Impasse
I have been planning to do this for weeks. Tonight, I was about to abandon the thought of finally doing this because I cannot figure out the right words to express my sentiments.I have liked a whole bunch of guys in my entire life, but never like you. I have experienced those sleepless nights finding the exact song to dedicate to these teensy crushes, but not like this one that I have felt towards you. You're not like the typical one that I come across with in the halls or corridors anymore. We work together, and each time, you turn to me everytime you need backup. So no matter how big my efforts are just to unlike you, to not to smile at your jokes and not to get lost in your eyes everytime you look at me, I can't help it in the end. And it's insane.
Often times, I catch you looking at me and then you would look away. I never knew why, but I don't think I would ever want to know. Little did you know how loud I scream your name on the inside as I appear silent on the outside. I know you also have a lot of things to say. Me, as well. But these unspoken things will never leave our lips. This is how we are right now, and this is how we are going to be.
I never told you how exactly I felt about you, did I? And right now, I am writing down my unspoken thoughts knowing deep down inside of me that you will never have the chance to read and know, because I will never show you. I am okay with this set-up: stuck in an impasse.
And as I pen my thoughts tonight, I asked myself, is there really a possibility of us? But I have come to realize that maybe, you were meant to be out of ym reach. Maybe, you were never meant to be the brightest star in my galaxy.
Maybe you are just supposed to be a really bright star on a separate corner, making my universe a bit brighter.
Labels: CJEC, letters, Personal
You
I shouldn't be writing about you.But now, I am. I am writing about how I felt when your arm accidentally brushed on mine several times. I am writing about how it felt good, if not special, and I am writing about how much I hate it.
I hate it because the more I try to run away and hide from you, you get closer. I know you don't have any intentions, but you get closer and do these things to make me feel special. Not in romantic way, but yes, the things you do makes me feel special as a person.
And as much as I am thankful for your being a gentleman, I still hate it.
Because I fall for you even more. And I am not supposed to, anymore.
I may not tell this to anyone, but I would like you to know that despite everything, despite the times that I hated how nice you are, I want you to know that I will always be here to back you up. I mean, it's my job.
No, not just it's because it's my job. It's because that you will always be special. Your name will always ring a bell inside my head. Your smile will always be one of the hundred reasons why I also smile. And I'm glad that even though we could never work out, you're still there.
So close, and yet so far.
But I think it's better that way.
Perhaps I will always keep writing about you. Maybe not in the same ways, but I will always be writing about you.
不求回报
I can never forget how you saved that night —I didn’t
want to go home yet because I don’t know how the hell I am going to do that,
but you took me home.
You were just a few inches away from me. To be honest, it was so
hard for me to breathe in your scent, because I don’t want it to linger and
stick in my mind. I don’t want to get used to it.
I don’t want to get so used to it as I am so used to seeing your
smile, your wave, your eyes, and the way you just see right through me, pass by
me and walk towards the girl of your dreams — which doesn’t happen to be me.
Maybe, as much as I have no words on how to describe your
beautiful smile, I will never have words on how to define how I feel towards
you. I am pretty much sure that I’ve been attracted to you for so long, but I
am never sure if I have already fallen for you.
Maybe, I have already fallen for you.
But when the dawn comes and I happen to be awake, thoughts of you
suddenly pierce through my mind like a sharp dagger — so beautiful, so good to
look at and to dream of, but at the end of the day, will slowly try to kill me.
That’s when I know that I’ve fallen for you, and then eventually,
I’d tell myself, “No. You have to get back up. It’s not healthy for you.”
My dear, I can’t believe
how much fatal a smile could get until I met you.
The reason why I never told you about my feelings is that I know
it’ll be better off that way. You’ve got a bunch of ladies wanting to toss
rocks at your window, waiting for you to notice them. But I wouldn’t be
throwing rocks on your window, though.
I never tossed rocks on someone else’s window. I just wait for
someone who would open up a window exclusively for me.
And as much as I’d want you to do it, I know you never will.
